By Brenda Black
I know it could be worse. I know I
have many reasons to be thankful. But I still want to cry and my
heart feels like it is in a vice grip. I find myself sighing out loud
and in a mental haze, working to snap out of it. Mostly, I feel a
deep sense of responsibility to keep it all together and not blow my
witness! No pressure, right? Oh yes, a great deal of it at the
moment! Though most of it stems from circumstances way beyond my
control, a good portion comes from an imaginary standard self
inflicted.
Fear and worry and all those big ugly
what if's make me short of breath these days as I try to comprehend a
truck load of information headed down a highway toward an uncertain
destination. Uncertainty makes me weep or sometimes out and out bawl.
I like my world in order and I much prefer a happy outcome –
especially for those I love. But sometimes this fix-it gal can't make
it better and that's a hard pill to swallow.
When I came clean with my mom the
other day about my anxieties and the desire to be faithful rather
than fearful, she gave me license to grieve over an unexpected and
unwelcome change of circumstances. What a relief. And when a friend
phoned to have prayer with me, her thoughtful words trailed off into
heartfelt sobs. I told her those tears were worth more than any
perfectly uttered phrases.
They both showed me that it's okay to cry
and sigh while I process troubling news. It's okay to be scared or
disappointed. I am free to be human and feel what I feel. Whew! I
needed to hear that.
To stay in the crisis and continue
feeling overwhelmed – well that is another matter. That can be
dangerous. To go too far ahead of what actually is can bring
unwarranted heartache. A radio personality reminded me of that this
week when she warned that living life with fear for tomorrow robs the
joyful life of today. She wasn't preaching, but it sure did ring a
biblical bell.
Immediately I thought of Psalm 118:24:
“This is the day the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in
it.”
And then one of the tried and true
strength verses I find myself leaning upon more with every passing
year sounded just like what the doctor ordered. “Therefore we do
not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we
are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles
are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So
we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what
is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” (2
Corinthians 4:16-18)
I know these things. I believe these
things. I practice these things. But sometimes, a kick in the gut can
send us reeling and we need permission to recover from the punch. So
thankful for a patient and loving God who understands that and for
family and friends who embrace you and let you work through it.
I'll go on praising God no matter what
comes. He may do something miraculous and I don't want to be looking
at my feet with my head hung low when it happens. This day, I will
rejoice, because I have much for which to be glad. When fears assail
and worry tries to worm its way into my world the next day or the day
after that, I'll praise the Lord and encourage others to do the same.
“For the grave cannot praise you,
death cannot sing your praise; those who go down to the pit cannot
hope for your faithfulness. The living, the living – they praise
you as I am doing today.” (Isaiah 38:18-19a)
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